As part of my sporadic workout regimen, I pulled into my Planet Fitness parking lot a few days after New Year’s 2013. I grabbed my bag and walked toward the door, at which point I came upon two obese women in workout gear screaming at each other. Like a tiger stalking two Spandex-stuffed water buffalo, I ducked behind a large box van to witness their argument. Turns out, they were fighting over a parking space steps from the front door of the gym. An abundance of parking spots were available 30-yards away, but apparently it would be awful to break a last-minute sweat walking a few extra feet to WORK OUT! The dispute quickly ended as one woman waddled back to her Nissan Armada, leaving the stench of profanity to linger in the air.

Upon entering the gym, not a single piece of cardio equipment was free, as droves of newly resolute exercisers were determined to sweat off the cookies and eggnog that had taken up residence in pudgy stomachs and floppy asses. Two weeks later, however, Planet Fitness had reverted back to its cast of regulars. Empty treadmills lined up in a funeral procession for New Year’s Resolutions.

With each new year, I used to set lofty aspirations to lose weight, work out every day, volunteer more, drink less. But much like the gym-goers, my goals would gradually fall by the wayside, and as the next year approached, nothing had changed. I don’t make promises I can’t keep. Thus, in an effort to avoid disappointment (and the gym), I no longer make New Year’s Resolutions.

But why do even the best intentions not come to fruition?  Not enough time? Not enough self-discipline? Can’t find a parking spot?

Maybe you are setting the bar too high. Perhaps you should drop it down a few rungs and you’ll sail over it with ease at every attempt.

If you resolve to lose weight:

Adhere to a strict beer-to-wing ratio. No more than one beer per 10 chicken wings. Pace yourself.

If you resolve to go to the gym:

Join a budget gym. I’d recommend Planet Fitness. At $10 per month, you don’t even feel guilty about not going. Free pizza on Monday nights, a free cotton t-shirt, and you can proudly display the membership badge on your key ring. Make sure to set the keys on the bar so there is no doubt that you exercise.

If you resolve to drink less:

Switch to vodka and club soda. It works for college girls. You could look that good in yoga pants, too.

If you resolve to spend less time on Facebook:

Don’t have a child. Don’t get a cat. Don’t get engaged. Don’t have bowel movements. There will be less of a demand to update the world on the aforementioned. Consider the brevity of Twitter.

If you resolve to quit smoking:

Only smoke when you drink. It’s fail-proof.

If you resolve to save money:

Marry up?

If you resolve to find love:

Start with a house plant. See if you’re ready for commitment. I’d recommend a cactus. To paraphrase Demetri Martin: Be more nurturing than a desert. Also, see above resolution.

If you had the resolve to read this far:

Choose a reasonable resolution. You know your abilities, your resources, and your limits, so why not choose a goal that you are likely to achieve. Even completing a small feat feels better than failure.

Wishing you a happy, healthy, and accomplished 2014.